The Mighty Boosh
Series 1
Series 1, Episode 0: Pilot
Pilot Episode: Howard Moon and Vince Noir are keepers at the Zoo-niverse but are not happy with their lot – particularly when new employee Dixon Bainbridge is immediately put on a pedestal by owner Bob Fossil due to his adventures and impressive moustache. Keen to show he is more than a match for Bainbridge, Howard takes Vince on a dangerous mission to be the first to recover a mysterious jewel deep in the frozen tundra of the Artic.
Series 1, Episode 1: Killeroo
Bob Fossil sets up a highly illegal and shady kangaroo boxing match between the Killeroo and Howard. Howard thinks that by winning the fight he will impress the Head of Reptiles, Mrs Gideon. Vince enlists his uncle, a bare-knuckle fighter with a very strange accent, to help with Howard's training.
Series 1, Episode 1: Killeroo Quotes
Howard: I'll take you out for a meal with Mr and Mrs. Pain, order up some violent quiche.
Vince: You’re about as edgy as a Satsuma
Howard: I’m a crazy man. I’m a nutjob. I’m a freakball. You know? I break through all boundaries. If I see a boundary, I eat a boundary. And wash it down with a cup of hot steaming rules. Eh?.
Vince: I’m a ragamuffin from the streets!
Howard: You’re a French duke, if ever I saw one. You lie around in hammocks all day, eating soft cheese.
Gideon: Trumpets and bookmarks.
Howard:She’s a sophisticated woman, Vince, she wouldn’t get trapped in cabinets, okay?
Vince: People get trapped in cabinets all the time, you know, doctors, dentists, lawyers. Haven’t you seen the show? Captain Cabinet, Trapped in Cabinets…
Howard: Can he get out
Both: Will he get out? Course he will. Captain Cabinet…
Vince: Trapped in cabinets…
Howard: There she is. Oh sweet lady. With your face like a cream oval. Your nose. Like a delicious slope of cream. Your ears like, cream flaps. Your teeth. Like hard, shiny pegs of cream.
Vince: Listen. I’m a chimney sweep. I could train you up. All my family are into boxing. All of them. Even my aunty, she loves it. My family are nutters. My uncle once punched a man so hard, his legs became trombones. It was genius. It was embarrassing! The man had to leave the ring like this.
Vince: That’s the smell of brutish men, squirting out hot jets of man foam. You’ll be doing that in a minute.
Howard: YES!! Howard Moon, I rain down the pain, I’m Monsoon Moon, I’m coming atcha like a beam, like a ray, like a laser, don’t try and stop me I’m quick. Like lightning. I’m frightening. Oowww! Chika-chika!Yeah? You want a piece of me now? You got nothing!
Howard: Monsoon Moon, they call me. Monsoon- what about this? What about: Thunderstorm Moon – he comes in like a heavy shower of pain.
Vince: Nice. What about Hailstone Howard?
Howard: That’s good too.
Series 1, Episode 2: Mutants
All is not well at the Zoo-niverse. Animals are disappearing one by one. Things go from bad to worse when Joey Moose, one of the zookeepers, goes missing. When Mrs Gideon reports that her python is also on the missing list, Howard is determined to save the day. Howard and Vince stumble across Dixon Bainbridge's secret laboratory and the terrible truth behind his ‘experiments' comes to light.
Series 1, Episode 3: Bollo
Bollo, the eldest and most respected gorilla at the Zoo-niverse is gravely ill. Bob Fossil persuades Howard to dress in an ape suit, replacing Bollo, so that he can continue accepting sponsorship money for the gorilla. Everything's going smoothly until the Grim Reaper arrives and mistakenly takes Howard to Ape Hell instead. Vince sets off to rescue Howard and they run into trouble when they encounter the Ape of Death who is plagued with problem hair.
Series 1, Episode 4: Tundra
In an attempt to compete with daring adventurer Dixon Bainbridge, Howard and Vince set off in search of the Egg of Mantumbi - with the assistance of Gary Numan. Into the whiteness, the nothingness of the Arctic Tundra, the boys come face to face with hideous ice demon Black Frost. Luckily, Vince has befriended a polar bear.
Series 1, Episode 5: Jungle
Dixon Bainbridge, owner of the Zoo-niverse, is intent on selling to the highest bidder. There's a road being built through it and ‘if the animals won't work on it, they'll be underneath it'. Howard and Vince embark on an arduous trip deep into the Jungle Room, in search of the only man they think can help save the zoo - Howard's hero, Tommy Nookah.
Series 1, Episode 6: Charlie
Howard is hell bent on a career as a serious writer in the hope that he'll improve his chances with Mrs Gideon. However, when famous publisher Hamilton Cork arrives at the Zoo-Niverse, he decides to publish Vince's literary efforts about a pink bubblegum character called Charlie. Meanwhile, Bob Fossil has embarked on a new breeding programme for the pandas.
Series 1, Episode 7: Electro
Vince is convinced that The Human League invented music. According to Vince, Howard's past career as a jazz trumpeter does not measure up. When Vince is offered a chance to join a new band, ‘Kraftwork Orange' with Johnny Two Hats and the Electro Girls, he's intent on leaving everything behind, including Howard.
Series 1, Episode 8: Hitcher
After Ivan the bear becomes angry and escapes from his cage, Bob Fossil arranges a place for Ivan at an Animal Offenders Institute. All Howard and Vince have to do is get there and back, in one piece, without falling foul of the Hitcher.
Series 1, Episode 8: Quotes
Teacher: He doesn’t look happy.
Fossil: Well that’s ‘cause he’s a communist. He doesn’t understand the service industry. What he doesn’t understand is, if Carpet Man don’t dance, Carpet Man don’t eat.
Howard: Oh yeah. This is more like it, eh? Getting out on the open road. Getting away from the zoo. Yeah. I feel at home on the road, Vince. It’s in my blood. You know why, I think it’s because when I was young, I moved around a lot. I lived, you know, with my parents, but on the weekends I’d go to visit my grandparents, and they lived over 40 minutes away in Wakefield. And I think from that, I developed a kind of spiritual wanderlust, if you like. Yeah. I’ve always felt a kinship with the nomadic peoples of the Kalahari.
Howard: Well, you know. About, me. I’m a free spirit, Vince.
Vince: Yeah? Howard: Yeah I can’t be hemmed in. People try. They try to put me in a box, but I break free. Vince: Who’s trying to put you in a box?
Howard: It’s the nature of me. It’s the nature of Howard Moon. Vince: Who’s trying to put you in a box? Howard: Well, people, you know. The Man.
Vince: Have you contacted the police about this?
Howard: No, “The Man”. You know what I’m talking about, yeah? Vince: What are you on about?
Howard: People are always trying to put people in boxes.
Vince: No one’s trying to put you in a box. You’re the wrong size, for a start.
Howard: [sighing] Let’s forget about this conversation, okay?
Vince: How would you even get in a box?
Vince: [voiceover] I loved hanging out with Ferry. Oh we used to go hunting, fishing… We lived in a small house made out of bus tickets. Huh! Brilliant. Problem was, Bryan used to go on tour quite a lot. “Bye Vince!” So he’d leave me with various different animals. I remember one time he left me with Jahoolii, the Leopard, who was pretty irresponsible. He used to take me out killing gazelles, knowing full well that Bryan was a strict vegetarian. He used to feed me the soft tasty meat. I remember afterwards, oh I’d be so full, I’d need a little sleepy. But just as I was nodding off, old Kalooni, the dirty cobra, came whisking up the side of the tree, and he said to me ‘oh, you should never sleep’. And I said ‘why Kalooni, what are you on about?’ and he said ‘because the monkey folk plan to steal your face’. I went ‘what do you mean?’ Apparently the King Monkey wanted a man’s face in order to be a proper king. And he’d seen mine. And that was the one he wanted. He’d tried to get Columbo’s but that was on too tight. Anyway, the problem was it was so hot in the jungle, and I was so full, I couldn’t help it! I fell asleep!
Howard: You idiot.
Vince: I’m the storyteller! I’ll decide when you’ve had your fill, alright?
Howard: I haven’t had my fill, okay? Give me the ending. You can’t leave a man – get him all juiced up, leave him dangling like that.
Vince: That’s my style.
Howard: What, the Dangler?
Vince: Yeah. The Juicy Dangler.
Hitcher: [in a thick cockney accent] You wanna know about my thumb do ya boy? [holds thumb up beside Howard’s face] Intrigue you does it boy? My thumb? Let me tell you about it. I come from a long line of hitchhikers. All with bleedin’ massive thumbs. You see the thumb is a tremendous boon to the hitchhiker. [starts waving it around as if trying to hail a ride] Helps with work. You know what I mean? The only problem was, when I was a child, my thumb was tiny. Not just tiny like a single sugar puff. Disgusting. Even me own mother would reel back in horror. Like an anaconda. “OHH what is it? Get it out of here! It’s tiny! It’s ‘orrible! It’s revolting! Take your tiny thumb, and get out of here and never darken my door again,” she’d say. I had to leave the family unit, in search of a miracle. I wandered the streets, looking for the answer. And people told me of a magic shaman, part man part hornet. So I went looking for ‘im. I went everywhere! I combed the universe, in search of the stripey insect shaman. Turns out he was in a local primary school, in the bin, reeling about with the apple cores, like they do. And I stood there, with my thumb out, and he stung it! And he stung it! And he grabbed onto it! It was like he was making love to it wiv his sting.
Hitcher: In and out! In and out! More and more! Ohhh the pus! The pain! The black voodoo! The wet jigsaw puzzle! I didn’t know what was happening! Ohhh for days I was in a trance! But when I came to, there it was! Like a fleshy maraca! A THUMB, of gigantic proportion. “A miracle!” I said, “A miracle! You’re a true wizard! How can I ever repay ya?” and he said to me “Five hundred euros”. “FIVE HUNDRED EUROS? You won’t see penny one from me you slag!” And as I raised my thumb up, to smash his tiny skull in, I could see in his little insect face, I could see him thinking “OHHH, I created that monster! I created that thumb, and now it’s killing me! My own beast and creation! Killing me dead! The sweet irony.” I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago, and in hindsight, he could’ve just been shitting himself.
Naboo: It’s clear that you have a problem with jealousy.
Howard: What do you mean?
Naboo: I think you’re jealous of Vince.
Howard: Why would I be jealous of him?
Naboo: Well, he’s successful, he’s got great hair, he’s a great writer. I mean what have you got to offer?
Howard: I’m a writer!
Naboo: I haven’t seen much evidence of that.
Howard: Yeah? Well, I’ve got writer’s block at the moment, haven’t I?
Naboo: That’s because you’re very angry. You’re unable to deal with criticism.
Howard:Why does everyone keep saying that?
Naboo:Now, what I want you to do, is look at the picture of the kittens in a barrel.
Howard:Yeah.
Naboo: Look at them, they’re having a whale of a time. All happy.
Howard: Hahaha!
Naboo: The one on the left’s Phillip.
Howard: Phillip.
Naboo: Look at Phillip’s eyes.
Howard: He’s got little eyes.
Naboo: Whenever you’re feeling a bit angry, I want you to look at Phillip…
Howard: Look at his face!
Naboo: …and your anger will recede like an ocean.
Howard: Thanks Naboo.
Naboo: That’ll be one hundred and fifty nine euros.
Howard: A hundred and fifty nine..
Howard: Aww. Haha. Look at his little face.